Affairs of the heart

This should be have been an easy one to pen, however, having deleted it about 6 times, I can see it isn't. It is also honest and open, and to some may be upsetting, therefore I am sorry in advance, and appreciate you may not get to the end.

I wanted to give you some background, so here it is, and I will apologise now - this is long!

I have 4 causes I am passionate about.

1) Adoption - I don't have the explain this one, do I? As an adopter of 3 and also working for Adoption UK, I think we can assume that I am passionate about Adopted, Fostered, and cared for children. (Adoption UK)

2) Multiple Sclerosis - Something I grew up with when my Mum was diagnosed many moons ago, a close friend has it, and a childhood friends Mum lost her fight with it. My Mum, and my friend as both still fighting it day in and day out, and when I can I like to support the cause too. (MS Society)

3) Cancer - damned disease, we are all affected by it, and when my Dad was taken suddenly from me in 2009 after a diagnosis of terminal kidney cancer, it became another cause I would champion for. Today being Father's Day has made this quite an emotional thing to write. Add to the recent passing of our dear friend Gareth Marr - we are all affected by cancer at some point in our lives.

4) Mental Health - I have left this cause until last, not because it is the least important, but because this was the cause that resulted in myself and Jacob being asked to take part in a mental health discussion and meeting the Duke of Cambridge on Thursday. My family (I will only mention one name specifically) have a history of mental health issues, that pepper certain members, but none so much as my younger brother Lee.

So let me tell you about Lee, well, born two years after me, in 1978, we had a typical sibling relationship, and were very different. Very much a "lad" mischief his middle name, he grew up with a shock of ginger hair, freckles in places it should not have been possible, and an attitude that could put all 3 of my sons to shame! When we were young, we were friends, and then we were enemies, but on the whole, until I came out to the family, we got on.

When my parents seperated in 1993 it brought us together in some ways, however, I became a carer at the age of 17 to him and my Dad. It was a natural progression, and to be honest, if I hadn't we would have all fallen to pieces. There is no blame, just acceptance that this is the way the path took me, and I think I am all the better for it.

Also in 1993 I came out to my family, my Dad and brother took a while, Lee some years, to come round, however, when I met Tris in 1998 they came round. We joke it is because we weren't actually dancing around in pink tutus, and we were actually reasonable normal as gay men.

Lee began to become a wayward soul, mid way through his teens his mood would be up and down, he would be angry at very little, and by the time he was 18 he had been arrested a number of times, and had become addicted to drugs and alcohol. Some of this I did not know about until a few years later, when my Dad explained some of the issues that he had faced with him. Living in England, whilst they lived in Scotland, meant I was distant from the day to day issues my Dad faced (including a dozen attempts to take his own life). Then one day Lee arrived on our doorstep with the plan to move away, and begin a fresh. Away from alcohol, drugs, and his "friends" that supported his lifestyle. We welcomed him, and did what we could, found him a job, a flat, some furniture, then a bombshell, his daughter had been born prematurely and was very ill. Immediately he reverted back to his lifestyle before disappearing overnight from his new life.

This happened twice, and the latter time things were serious. Once again we found him work and a flat, however, after 2 months he found a drug supplier and steadily fell back into his familiar routine. This time though I experienced the darker side of mental health. A phone call one night from his then girlfriend, demanding I go and try and get him out of the wardrobe. Not really expecting what I found I went round and found Lee wrapped in a duvet, like a log, in the wardrobe protected by boxes because the FBI were in the bushes outside the flat. Two admissions to our local hospital gave me the experience of just what people with mental health problems go through - they receive no effective support unless they have themselves sectioned, or you as a family members do it for you. Lee talked a convincing talk, was released after 4 days, and disappeared back home to my Dad again.

Three months later I received a phone call, my cousin had committed suicide. He was 24. He had nothing in his life that anyone knew of that contributed to this, he led the house one day and was found a few hours later. Our whole family was in complete shock, and as you can imagine it had an affect on us all.

Lee seemed to be making positive steps though, and we all hoped that he would make the changes, get the help, stop the drugs and alcohol, and get better.

Sadly, this was not to be. On the 31st March 2005 at the age of 26 Lee took his own life.

After the funeral, and a small amount of time to grieve we were invited to meet with the Procurator Fiscal, which is the case when a death is unexplained. Lee's medical reports had been examined, and he had been diagnosed with Schizophrenia a few years earlier, but he nor we were ever told.

So, on Tuesday when Adoption UK's press officer rang me and asked me if I wanted to take part in a mental health breakfast for the Royal Foundation and Heads Together, I could not say no, not just for my brother, but also for my family, and my sons - The Duke of Cambridge being there was a definite plus, but I would have done it anyway. See our small part in the day here: https://vimeo.com/171130680 

There is a risk that all of us will suffer from Mental Helath issues at some point, whether it is our children because of the trauma and experience they have had in their lives, or if it is us suffering from secondary trauma because of this, or if it just something that happens - it can. I like to think that the gene skipped me, and that I have not suffered from mental health issues, I probably have given some of the trauma in my life, however, maybe my brain is wired to deal with it differently.

All I know is these four causes will be the causes I champion, there are close to me, and I live them everyday.

Today, on Fathers Day, I like to think my Dad is looking down on me from his fluffy cloud, probably swearing like a sailor and smoking like a chimney, my brother with him doing exactly the same, and turning the air blue with their typical lads language. Some of us will be having our struggles, and some families have lost members because of mental health.

My family is no different, and I have a niece that lives without a Dad, she met him, a number of times, however, he could never parent her. Her Mum is amazing, and I can not tell you how much of a young lady she has turned into, at the age of 17. To have lived through all of that in her 17 years astounds me.

So - mental health is real, we know it, it isn't just a state of mind that we can bring ourselves round from, some can, but most can't.

Those that thought this blog would be about meeting the Duke, well it is two fold I suppose. He was warm, caring and interested, and I am honoured to have met him and of course I will dine out in it for a few years - however I met him to raise awareness of something I am passionate about.

Please support @Heads_Together on twitter and Facebook. Truly amazing organisation, and one that I hope can get people talking about Mental Health. #celebratewithconversation

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